Apathy

Hullo Matt/Sam!

I have to say that I enjoyed the message and flow of this. I think the language you've chosen is beautiful and it is easy to associate with.
I think there's one thing that I'm not sure of throughout the poem and that's the fluency. As much as I found this enjoyable and, it was structured fantastically, there's a lack of punctuation. It's easily sorted, but in my opinion I think that a lot of poetic effect comes from the placing of punctuation.

Here's my suggestions:

Undeniable that there is
A certain attraction in arrogance;
An arrogance that lacks aggression,
But still, something that makes a boy a guy,
But a guy not yet a man;
I think that’s the way I like it.

And the love that apathy prevents,
Apathy it will break,
I used to not bother;
Never used to feel flattery.
But now
A girl, a lady,
But a lady not yet a woman;
Love is the demise of apathy,
I think that’s the way I like it.

I agree with Gadi that this poem has great potential, but I do not think as many things should be changed. I would add more punctuation and work on word flow. Though i wouldn't describe it as nasty scrambled eggs, it does feel disorganized at times.

But enough of that, I felt this poem was incredibly relevant to what a lot of people go through, especially as teenagers. And definitely loved the repetition, of which I am a big fan in general. Overall the poem got the message across, which is what is most important.

I am stunned in your grace Matt, the poem is truly a ingenious work of art.
It turns the words to feelings, feelings into abilities, and from there it is free to be revealed as whatever the reader might want. There are no mistakes in my eye, but the one of which will reside as myself not finding such beautiful literature in my own heart.

I congradulate you, you have earned my respect.

Mmm. I thought this had great potential. I liked the repetition of the last line of the poem in the first stanza. I thought it was an interesting poem, the idea. But I thought that this idea was way all over the place, sorta like nasty scrambled eggs.

Add more punctuation. Definitely. This poem lacks punctuation so much that sometimes I didn't know how to actually read the poem. Punctuation is poetic. Use it.

Here's a line by line of the first stanza, just to show you what you should change. The second stanza should also be altered a little, but the problems are basically the same throughout the poem.

Undeniable that there is

I feel like this line is completely unnecessary. Couldn't you just start with the second?

A certain attraction in arrogance

Here, you should change this line into: There's an attraction in arrogance

An arrogance that lacks aggression


Here, you should change this line into: That lacks aggression;
But still, something that makes a boy a guy

No "guy"--too informal. Change into: Something that alters a boy into a youth:

But a guy not yet a man

A youth, not a man.

I think that’s the way I like it.

I think that's the way I like it too.

Yeah, what they said LOL. This is a great little piece. I like the repetition of certain word forms and the way the ideas seem to go together and yet dont, really, hehe. Some good stuff. Looking forward to hearing more from you, Matt!

wow, very nice. i love the tone of this, and yeah, it flowed beautifully. meaningful and appealing to the senses. nice one

WOW! Don't change a thing, I so love it. If only I had three thumbs I'd give you three thumbs up. One of my favorite poems ever, it rocks.

Hey, Carsandguitars, why did you say Sam...wasn't that Matt?

i agree with muse.
go sam!

Smashing. Don't change a thing. *two thumbs up*

You manage to make things flow so smoothly, which i constantly have trouble with. hmph.

great work, as usual.